Witterer’s Armagnac 2026

Before I get round to doing my round-up of 2025 (which is basically the modern era’s Round Robin), I thought I would wave my hands over a crystal tumbler in the hope of making some Kraken appear, but also as a half-arsed homage to Mystic Meg and to make some predictions about the year to come. After all, people who can see the future always have such happy outcomes don’t they? But think of me not scrying for a fruit-faced king or an ambitious Italian dynasty, and my nose remains quite normal and rather less metal than my black t-shirt collection. No! I am doing this for you, me, and all the other peasant victims of the tech-bro scourge (spoilers), so we know just how many tins of baked beans we need to store in our bunkers. Also, stay tuned for some anti-zombie crossbow-whittling top tips!*

Tech

2026 is not the year that everyone should have gone to Specsavers, because only people that actually need glasses will go there. What’s more, when they get there, they will be able to try on a range of style frames and colours to find something that suits their face shape and have them made so that they can read books/drive cars/see things that are actually in front of them. Yes, they can pay extra for a little squiggle that denotes that the glasses are ‘designer’ but the crucial thing is being able to see.

People who can’t see without corrective lenses but who are too damned beautiful/awkwardly misshapen to wear glasses will continue to wear contacts. Or they might get lasered. Except for science fiction fans who have already seen what lasers do in Doctor Who, thank you.

What no one will do is buy any of the ‘smart glasses’ that the tech-bros are trying to schill. It matters not that they have a designer squiggle, they still make you look like the lovechild of Joe 90 and Morrissey, or at the very least, just a dick. Oh, so they can let you see ‘augmented reality’, do they? That just means more ads in your eyeballs, on top of the ads you can already see. Greaaaat… So you can ‘stay connected’? That means you’re trying to walk around and not step in dog shit or walk into bollards or waist-height children, but no, you are looking ahead and reading your email. You don’t look cool. You look like a clutzy dick, who’s probably also a letch. That may not work out so well for you.

Apple are now trying to jump into the spike-lined fashion pit that Meta has dug for them, but it’s going to be a long time before these glasses become acceptable as wearable tech. By which time none of us will be able to afford them anyway.

Which leads me to…

A Flagging Economy

After all it’s nearly Christmas, and you can probably see this looming on the horizon. Joy!

Sadly, the smart glasses money pit isn’t going to get deep enough to totally swallow the likes of Meta just yet, and the more often we see Zuckerberg wearing a kaftan with his dorky glasses, the worse it’s going to be for us, because to him evidence of a spiritual and reflective self is also something you can just put on. And that’s a kaftan all over, really.

Okay, here’s the science bit. Except it’s more maths. Sorry.

Over the last 50 years, the unemployment rate hit 11.9% at its peak in the pre-digital age after successive recessions and a decline in manufacturing. Technology then brought in additional jobs, but come 1990, the rate was climbing again; the trend began reversing after Black Wednesday, 1992. We saw a gradual rise in unemployment again after the World Economic Crisis in 2008, peaking at 8.5%, and then we had another little blip during COVID.

Whenever there are changes to the overall rate of unemployment, there are reasons, so as we can see the numbers climbing again, we naturally have to ask what the fuck is going on? Because something is. And I reckon we are going to see that trend continue strongly into 2026.

I’m going to put this as simply as I can, but it’s down to idiots.

Now, by idiots, I don’t mean stupid people. Certainly a lot of idiots are stupid. But some of them can be clever, like Kier Starmer, who still thinks AI is a growth opportunity that he can plan for, rather than a data and resources grab he should defend us against. Bearing in mind that the last update to this ‘blueprint’ is from almost a year ago, I want to say, Kier, honey, you are talking about machines that can spit out gubbins like that blueprint in 3 seconds. You need to keep thinking, and think faster. The people telling you that AI is the future are the people trying to sell it to you. There’s a reason they look like Lex Luther. They evil!

Right now if AI isn’t killing your actual job, it’s damming the flow of future expertise by cutting off entry level roles in a variety of sectors. If new people are hired, they’re being trained by videos and AI, which we already know doesn’t work, because an expert needs to spot where the mistakes are or update things that are out of date and they’re no longer there. I know people have been thinking they were tired of listening to ‘experts’ since before Michael Gove discovered rave, but there’s another idiot for you. To put it bluntly, he thought he could just work with the big fish (money) and chuck the little fish (people) out with the cardboard box (stable economy). Learning things and having knowledge is good!

At Christmas, we are often reminded that our social batteries are not made by Duracell and feel like running away from humans we care about, never mind random, chatty, checkout staff, but we have to be vigilant and help each other out as much as possible, because in 2026 the evil overlords will want to replace as many of us with a machine as possible, and though we probably won’t win, we can still be bloody awkward. If the corporate masters have their way, we won’t even be serving each other coffee; we’ll just have those machines in the service stations that play cafe noises and the hot milk tastes vaguely soapy. Please, insist on human engagement wherever possible when requesting a service or making a purchase.

Some people welcome the end of employment like it’s the flipping rapture. Bring on UBI they say. Look, that’s not going to happen. UTI more like. Ladies, am I right?

A squeeze on resources is an opportunity for the far right to stir things up. I see flag-shagging continuing well into 2026 and towns being made to look generally terrible with their commemorative tea-towels and red, white and blue joggers at half mast, particularly during the World Cup. No one wants to go to America, but the pubs here will be full of idiots. Stupid ones this time, their love of the ‘beautiful’ game somehow inseparable from ugly behaviour and the othering of minorities. Can’t wait. Think I’ll stay indoors a lot.

The Tipping Point

If you’ve ever seen this game on TV, you know it’s the piss-easiest quiz in the world. Towards the end of 2026, we will start asking ourselves ‘why are we still on Facebook?’ and we won’t be able to answer that question.

A New Genre

Move over Scripted Reality; move over Romantasy.

New pitch for ITV, hot on the heels of Traitors and Love Island. Hot Celebrity Larpers don elf ears and long wigs to play a game while staying in a Welsh castle. But who is rolling the die, and who is playing their own game? Featuring that bloke from Candy Kittens as a bard, Celia Imrie as a healer, and Danni Dyer as the chosen one.

Book Trends

In 2026, we will see a return to using sandwiches as bookmarks.

Only total philistines will try sausage rolls.

Librarians will be grateful so long as you renew on time.

Fashion

Finally! People will stop it with the curly mullet thing. Please stop it. Especially with moustaches.

Unfortunately, this does mean it’s time for the heavily gelled bat-wing hair sides to come back (it will be a long year until we can reach the time of mousse).

I think we’ll probably see lots of triangle shoulders, cinched waists, massive bangles and earrings. Basically, if you are into Prince in the Purple Rain era, this is your fashion year.

Unites States of Aaaagh!

Because I’ve written this, I won’t be able to go to the US next year. Ah, shame.

National Treasure

Long overdue, the ‘National Treasure’ honour for the ‘actor who seems to be in everything’ for 2026 will go to Rafe Spall.

Aw, we like him.

*Oh yes, I don’t actually have any survivalist tips, but if you made it to the end of this blog, you’re made of the stuff that can get you through any apocalypse.

Here’s to 2026!